Sorry, Not Sorry
Why apologizing for an opinion doesn't make it kinder
I just finished a book. And I liked it. Not loved it, but I liked it enough that I went looking for other reviews to see if anyone else landed where I did.
Instead, I find one that starts with an apology.
Sorry to everyone who loved this, but I hated every page. Wished I’d never picked it up.
Three paragraphs follow, explaining exactly why, in detail, with feelings and all that.
And somewhere in my head, a second voice sits up.
Sorry? You are not sorry. Not even a little. You are about to spend three paragraphs telling a room full of strangers how much you hated something, and you are opening with an apology like that buys you permission.
It doesn’t. Nobody’s fooled. Least of all me.
I close the tab, but the review sticks with me. Not because it was mean, plenty of reviews are mean, that’s not the problem. It’s the apology sitting on the front of it, like a seatbelt for an opinion that was never going to crash into anything.
Because this isn’t one review (or a comment). I see it constantly. Sorry, but. Not to be that person, but. I hate to say it, but. Always followed by the exact opposite of sorry, always followed by someone saying exactly what they mean, at length, with zero hesitation once they’ve cleared their throat.
The apology isn’t protecting anyone. It’s not even really addressed to the people who loved the book. It’s addressed to the writer’s own conscience, a little preemptive absolution, so the malice gets to happen and still feel like manners.
Which makes me think about the questions I run through before I say something critical about anyone’s work, out loud, in public.
Will this actually benefit anyone? Not “is it true,” true isn’t the only bar, plenty of true things don’t need saying. Will it help the person reading, or am I just handing them my opinion because I have one?
What’s the reward, if I post the rant version? Do I actually feel better afterward, or just louder for a minute?
And, the one that stops me fastest… How would I feel, if someone wrote this about one of my books?
I’ve published a few. I know exactly what it costs to finish one, send it out, let strangers have opinions about it forever. So I don’t get to pretend I don’t know what’s on the other side of a review like that.
Most of the time, that last question is enough. I close the tab. I don’t write the version I was about to write.
So I don’t post anything. I close the tab and go and make myself a hot cup of coffee.
Sorry, but that’s boring, the second voice says. No callout, no confrontation, no clever last word.
Maybe. But I didn’t fake an apology to get there, either.
I liked the book. Not loved, liked. That is allowed to be the whole opinion. No sorry required, because there was never anything to apologize for.
So, a question for you. When is the last time you apologized for an opinion you didn’t really regret having?
Between the Lines
Page Turner: The War of Roses series by Lana Sky
I just finished the last book and it’s still sitting with me. Sky describes her own writing as strangemantic, dark, strange, and romantic in equal measure, and warns upfront that her stories are not for everyone. This one is no exception, a dark romance with a heavy psychological edge, following Ellen after she’s mistakenly kidnapped in the middle of a family feud, at the mercy of her captor Mischa. I liked it, not loved it, still deciding exactly how I feel, but it’s staying with me, which counts for something.
Mind Soundtrack: “Straight Up,” Paula Abdul (reimagined as a hard rock cover)
Bigger guitars, bigger drums, all the attitude of the original with a modern edge. One of my favorite songs from my teenage years, I still know every line, and somehow it sounds even better with this much distortion behind it.
Food for Thought: From investor Henry Singleton, on staying open to changing your mind: “I reserve the right to change my position” as the world around a topic shifts.
I read it in Shane Parrish’s newsletter and it stuck with me. Not as permission to be wishy-washy. I see it as a reminder that flexibility and open-mindedness are not the same as having no convictions at all.